cant sleep and going NUTS!!

Well this week we FINALLY got back our long awaited test results. They told me I have MTHFR. Looks like mother f-er if you ask me! ha! Well, I feel that being diagnosed with this has put my worries partly to rest...there is ALWAYS room to worry for me! If you ask me, it is the best alternative than what it could have been. The other possibilitities were MUCH worse and could have me on medicine that is for the rest of my life or harmful to a baby. The medicine I will be put on will do nothing but benefit the baby and myself.
So this diagnoses is basically a rare genetic blood clotting disorder. Where my body doesnt metabolize proteins and vitamins, so it stays in my blood and thickens it. Which in turn causes blood clots. ESPECIALLY during pregnancy. So it cuts off everything getting to the baby. I will go see my NEW high risk pregnancy doctor. I am excited and scared as well. Most of you should know by now that I feel that I am destined for bad things to happen to me. I am just honestly waiting for the doc to say that he doesnt think that this blood clotting thing is causing my miscarriages or that I will never be able to have kids. Then I will have to do blood work all over again and then agonize over waiting for the test results that take FOREVER to come back. I dont think I will EVER be worry free...even if I get pregnant and am 9 months along....until the baby is here. As healthy and beautiful as can be. Sadly, even if the doc says everything is fine and I will have a healthy baby, I wont believe it til I see it. Thats what kind of girl I am.
I don't really believe peoples word. Not in a bad way...but I feel like a lot of people say things just to cheer you up. To give you hope. EVERYONE had good intentions. But I had that hope and it has been crushed SO many times, I really dont believe in it anymore. Not in just pregnancy stuff but in pretty much all things.
So I am trying to stay up beat and happy but I cant sleep. I just waiting for monday. If you anticipate the worst then you cant be let down AND if it turns out good, then its GREAT! The doctors office made the mistake of giving me a copy of my blood test results for my new doctor and I have been reading it and trying to interpret it til the wee hours of 2am this morning. I AM GOING NUTS!
Thank you all for thinking of us, praying for us and being good friends to us....especially me during this very hard time for me. I really hope all is well with all of you and that you may all have your prayers and deepest desires come true.
I love you all!